Maybe I just don't want to admit?

Love.
What about it?
Some used to say, love is in the air. Is it? Is it just an oxygen we breath, is it in our food, drink, thoughts, veins? And more important than all of the above, does it exist?
Some say they believe in it. How come, when they haven't actually felt it? Some say they don't believe in it. How come when they love their friends and family?
I myself am not a very romantic soul, but a bit of romantics I do have. And, yes, I am one of those biatches who still maintain that they don't believe in love, just because I haven't felt it yet... in a certain way. I am most certain that love for the friends and family does exist, but can we really love someone without limits and boundaries, unconditionally and for real? Honestly, I myself haven't felt that way about anybody. If you know what I mean? Yes, I do like somebody, honestly, and... maybe I'm just too afraid to admit it. I've always been. And it's all new and different for me, new day, new life, new friends. New... crush. Huh. And, if I may say, I really don't know what I should do. Sit and stare? Thanks for advice, rather not. But, go ahead? No... Neither of those two. But what's the third option and is there one? Where is the third way I want to go? Should I say it loud and proud, or should I just... I don't know, continue telling myself it's nothing and once again throw the love life away?
It's empty.

I used to be a romantic...

She was sitting on the sand with him, in sunset… They watched the sun attempt in the sea. It was painted in orange, because of the sun that was drowning in it. His hand lay on her shoulder. The tear was going down his cold cheek, but she couldn’t see it because she was watching sunset… A little groan seized from his mouth. She thought he was breathing loud, so she didn’t say anything. He removed the tear from his gentle cheek and continued watching sunset. Suddenly, the rain started falling from the sky. He knew why. She didn’t. How could she know what he was just going to do? But he still wasn’t brave enough to do it. He knew it’s going to break her heart. He felt the rain on his face. At least she wouldn’t see his tears, because they are covered by the rain. He thought, he isn’t the only one crying. The rain was crying, too.

It was dark already. The san has drowned in the sea, and what he was thinking was that she may never see its light again. He stood up, wet from the rain. She grabbed his hand with the smile on her face and said something about how beautiful the sunset was, but he didn’t really hear it well. He was thinking about something else. About …

‘’You know…’’, he said quietly.

‘’What?’’ She was happy but, he knew, not for long.

‘’I… I’m not sure about this.’’ He was almost crying.

‘’About what?’’ She was hoping he’s not going to say that, but all of her hopes were destroyed in the next moment.

‘’A-a-about us. I’m sorry.’’

‘’What? Why wouldn’t you be sure about us? What is going on?’’ She started crying.

‘’I don’t know, I just… I can’t do this…’’

‘’But, I don’t understand’’, she said with tears in her eyes. He didn’t understand, either.

‘’You said you like me’’, she added. ‘’But I guess you were lying, right? Oh, how stupid I was… I should never believe you.’’

‘’No, no… I wasn’t lying. What I said was true! But now… Its just different, I guess. I mean, I still like you and everything…But…’’ He was crying, too. That’s when she realized he was sorry, too.

‘’It’s alright, baby. I know.’’ They hugged each other. Both of them were crying.

‘’It’s all alright. Don’t you cry. I’ll be with you no matter what happens.’’

‘’I know, but it’ just that I won’t be with you. I can’t. it’s not like before, I can’t stand it anymore…’’ He let her hand and went. There were just marks in sand after him. She sat on the sand the whole night and cried. But she never saw him again. She realized, when the tears were running from their eyes, they were falling on their hearts and destroyed the love they felt. She still loves him, but he became just a memory of her life, buried deep in her heart. Her tears are still falling at him. Maybe someday they’ll kill him and take him away from her heart, who knows. But that will probably be when she dies. Yes, he’ll die with her.

Somebody tell me that this is not a lie.

Sometimes, I'm just too tired to think about how alone I am. Sometimes, I can't stop thinking about it, about how much I want to hug you, kiss you, hold you in my arms and never let you go. We would walk through the dark streets holding each others hands and just shut. Silence is more than enough when you are with someone you love. You would understand what I want to tell you without speaking and I would understand you. We would make all alone people in the world yellous like I am yellous on all the couples of the world right now, like you are yellous on them too, because we are alone. I want to meet you somewhere, to tell you I am alone and to hear you say the same thing. Then, we would understand what we have to, that we love each other. But it won't be necessary to say a thing because you would understand me like I would understand you. We would be sealed with a kiss forever. You would hold me in your arms and never let me go to someone else. The stars would show us the right way, way to love. Maybe I'd cheat you, maybe you'd cheat me, but it wouldn't matter because we know exactly who we love. It would all be forgoten in a mometnt, when we look at each other and realize that we're sorry. But we will cheat again just for fun and we'll still know that we love just each other and no one else. Just a couple of tears and a couple of smiles. Tears after cheating and smiles after forgeting everything bad. Could you stay with me? Huh, I know you could. You don't need to tell me that. But you have to find me like I found you and tell me what I never told you because I wasn't brave enough to do it. You just have to let me know what you feel and then you'll have to talk never again. I will understand.

Gone Forever...

He was sitting on the edge of the bridge, looking at the stars. The sky was full of them. He was waiting for the moment to go and never come back again.

''Where have you been so long?''

''I was...''

''What?''

He remembers the last fight with his mom. It ended with his cries and a little blood in his room. Red, rare blood. It stood stationary on the floor looking at him. He ran out of house and came to this bridge... Now he can just remember what he lived in for the past fourteen years.

''No, I don't want you! Who would want someone like you? Sure not I!''

''So, are you turning me down?''

''Of course! How could someone like me be with you? Huh!''

That was it. The one he liked has just turned her back on him. He thought he can make it without her, but without talking with his own mother... No, he definitely couldn't live without that.

''No, you can't fix it. That stays to the end of the school year, so it can ruin your notes.''

''But...''

''That is it. No buts.''

The note he left at the school and on the table at home, was the last thing he wrote. It says: ''I love you all, but it seems that nobody loves me. Goodbye. Sam''

''Yes, I love you all... I do..'', he whispered to the air, no one could hear him. He whispered that, and let the rawboned hand of the death take him with itself.

No one heard about him anymore. No one cared. No one found his body, and I'm not sure if someone even looked for it. His note was read and thrown away... No one cried for the boy lost somewhere in the cold ocean, no one dedicated him one single tear, for that boy intricated in his own thoughts... So I dedicate him this one story, because he was just another Emo kid that's gone forever.

The World Inside Her Head

Silence. No cars, no people, no voices. It's just the fog that screams so loud in her head. It's punching, kicking and riping everything inside of her, the cold wind runs through her weak body, taking every piece of the love she has. In front of her, the street is ranging, long and barren. It is silence that's screaming around her, telling her something she can't understand. Her long, black hair is hovering in the air, wild and irrepressible. It's slashing her face and it's sore. Her cheeks, white like a snow, are slowly turning to red. Her eyes are wet and warm diemonds fall from them. She just can't stop them. Her white, rawboned, slim hands are in the pockets of her brown, thin coat and they are still cold as ice.

She walks through the street, slowly, making small steps. The way under her is wet because just half an hour ago it was raining. Shiny pearls of water on the ground still didn't dry and they are shining under the golden lights of street lamps. Carrie could literaly see the cold wind moving through the golden way of street lamp light, so she brandished with her hand through the air and particles of cold air spaced, pushed by her thin hand. She sighted, deep, and felt the cold air going down her neck. Suddenly, she felt free; she felt like she could do everything she wants and no one could judge, or stop her. She spread her hands out and spined. It feels so great to be free, she thought and smiled. So great.

In this moment, she didn't know was she happy or sad, free under the great dark sky or just cought in one more trap of this mean, cruel world. She didn't know what she feels like. What was she supposed to feel? Weird? Alone, maybe? But she didn't feel alone. She felt like the whole world was hers and, although there was nobody around her, she felt impregnate. On the other hand, sometimes she would feel so alone although she would be enslaved in a crowd – because no person from that crowd wouldn't feel like her. But here, on the empty street, surrounded by trees and grass and the big heaven above her, she felt like someone really understood her. She wasn't the only one, as usuall, who feels that way. Something out there, the air, maybe, knew what she felt and felt just the same way. And she liked it; she liked beeing understood.

Most of people from the other world, from the world that wasn't Carries, would say that she lost her mind. But she knew she was completely normal. All she's done was that she created her own world, paralel with the other, cruel world, so that she doesn't have to see and listen all those mean, bad things. In her world, everything was perfect. She was free. Nobody could order her something, she had to listen nobody but herself. And that was just the way she liked it. That's why she couldn't understand what's wrong with it, why are everybody beeing so judgemental about it. What's wrong about living the way you want, in a world that you created? In a good world, without fighting and such things? It was just she that lived in that world and she felt good about it. She never felt alone. She would just wish never to return to that other world, but sometimes she was pushed to it. Those were the times she felt unhappy, unsafe.

Now, as she was walking down the long, empty street, she was the happiest. She was in her world; good, undisturbed world. She wished never to go back there, where she didn't want to. And this time, she knew she never will.

The cold wind blowed stronger and stronger and her body was getting weaker and weaker. This time, she was weaker than ever before, and the wind was much stronger than she. It got cold inside her body. Her heart was beating slowly, pumping cold blood into her veins. The silence around her got too loud; she couldn't listen to it anymore, so she put her hands over her face and ears. She fell down on the rough concrete covered by the big, great, hard stones; she was on her knees. As the tears were falling down her face and smashing on the hard, cold stones, suddenly, the wind blew right through her heart. She fell on the ground, hit her head and the blood started pouring. And there she was: lost in the clemency of her great world, dreaming something nice and ultimately happy – and dead. Like she wanted, she never returned to the other world she hated.

A Big Game Called - Life.

What’s it all worth?

The thoughts we hide inside ourselves, the words unspoken because we don’t want anyone to hear them, the looks all over the place we are trying to avoid, it all leads to one word, one subject we all fear the most – the truth.

Do we hide our real emotions just to give the world what it wants, to show ourselves in a better light or to avoid the words we might hear and dislike? But, what’s it all worth when the truth is going to be revealed eventually, anyway?

Are we making a huge mistake by dreaming of something we can never have, that doesn’t belong to us? Are we gilty as charged if we steal something just to make our miserable lives better? Are we making even bigger mistake by hurting other people in order to get our own life in order? Are those just the rules of the game called life we are made to play? And how are we supposed to know when it ends? Is it our own desicion?

In this big game we are supposed to play some rolls, it is often called cheathing to play a little game and get what we want. Is it so bad that we want to be happy even if it takes other people’s sorrow? In our own minds we are playing exactly by the rules, and the rules are so simple. We are here to end our mission, to play a game like kids do, and either win or lose. Someone has to be the winner, and someone has to be out of the game. In order to consider this a fair game, which it’s not, we do things we might wouldn’t do if this wasn’t a game. What does it cost to try our luck and get out of this alive?
The answer would probably be: a lot. But in fact, we get as hurt as we allow ourselves to. Nobody can give us a bad time unless we allow it, and in order not to get hurt we have to hurt others. Is it such a big deal?

Since this is a game and the rules are simple but it’s hard to play by them, I challange you:

STAY ALIVE.